Transcripts - Friends - Season 2

/ Central Perk, Phoebe is recapping last season, and as she talks we see a montage of scenes from Ross and Rachel. /

Phoebe: Okay, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh, my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been?

/ The airport, continued from last season, Rachel is waiting for Ross to come off the plane, when she sees he's coming off with another woman. /

Rachel: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. (decides to make a break for it) Excuse me. Move! Move! Emergency! Excuse me, excuse me! (tries climbing over a bench and falls down)

Ross: (seeing her) Rach!

Rachel: Ah, there you are! Hi! Oh, so... so... how was China, you? (hits him with the flowers)

Ross: It was... it was great. Oh, what happened?

Rachel: What?

Ross: You're bleeding.

Rachel: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Anyway, enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. Come on. I want to hear everything! Everything. (looks at Julie)

Ross: Well, uh... Where do I start? Um, well, this is Julie. Uh, Julie, this is Rachel.

Rachel: (to Julie) Hi! Heh... Oh! (to Ross) These are... these are... aren't for you. Heh. (to Julie) Uh... These are for you. (loudly, thinking she can't speak English) Welcome to our country.

Julie: (loudly, proving she can speak English) Thank you. I'm from New York.

Rachel: Okay, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Okay. Uh, baggage claim? 

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

/ Monica and Rachel's, the gang is waiting for Rachel to return from the airport with Ross. /

Chandler: No way!

Monica: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's going to go for it with Ross!

Phoebe: Oh, my god. This is huge. This is... this is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge?

Joey: Um... this?

Phoebe: Yes.

Monica: Guys, you got your haircut.

Chandler: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.

Phoebe: Because, you know, (in that voice) if you don't look good, we don't look good. Oh, I love that voice. Ha, ha.

Rachel: (entering, out of breath) Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Oh. Cramp, cramp, cramp.

Chandler: Okay, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.

/ She hits Chandler. /

Rachel: (to Chandler) You, you, you said he liked me. (Ross and Julie enter) You, you, you slowpokes!

Ross: That's all right, Rach, we got the bags. Uh... Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is Chandler. Phoebe. Joey, what up? Okay. Everyone, this is Julie.

Rachel: (out of breath) Julie.

All: Oh... (happily) Hi! Hi! Hey!

Julie: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.

Ross: And bus.

Julie: Oh, my god.

Ross: The screaming guy?

Julie: And the spitting? And the...

Ross: You gotta hear this story.

Julie: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old...

Ross: 200 at least.

Julie: ...and this guy...

Rachel: And the chicken pooped in her lap. Ha! Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about.

Monica: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen?

Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.

Ross: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well, I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig.

Rachel: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?

Monica: (to Julie) It's an expression.

Ross: Well, we just wanted to say a quick Hi, and then we're going to go see the baby.

Julie: And then we've gotta get some sleep.

Ross: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.

Chandler: Okay. Well, listen, don't tell us what's going to happen though, because I like to be surprised.

/ Ross and Julie exit. /

Rachel: Bye. (closes the door and everyone tries to sympathize with her)

/ Central Perk, Ross and Chandler enter. /

Ross: Hey, Rach. Can I get some coffee?

Rachel: Yeah, sure.

Ross: Thank you.

Chandler: Hey, Rach. Can I get...

Rachel: Did you talk to him?

Chandler: No.

Rachel: Then, no.

/ He goes to sit down next to Ross. /

Chandler: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with... you know.

Ross: I know, I know I was, but... there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never going to happen, move on.You know whose voice that was?

Chandler: God?

Ross: It was you, pal.

Chandler: Well, maybe it was God doing me.

Ross: Look, you were right. Okay? She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and... and I don't know, we're having a great time. And I have to say, I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you.

Chandler: Well, you owe me one, big guy.

Rachel: (to Ross) Here's your lemonade.

Ross: I didn't order lemonade.

Rachel: Oh. Well, well then you better go take that back. They're going to charge you for that.

Ross: But...

Rachel: Go go go go, come on, come on! (to Chandler) Okay. So uh, what did you find out?

Chandler: He said... he said, he said... He said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you want to see it, is that he made the decision all by himself! Without any outside help whatsoever.

Rachel: How is that a silver lining?

Chandler: You have to really want to see it.

/ Monica and Rachel's, Ross and the gang are watching Sumo wrestling on TV. /

Ross: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym.

/ Cut to Phoebe and Monica in the kitchen. /

Monica: Pheebs, you know what I'm thinking?

Phoebe: Oh, okay. How... it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?

Monica: No, although now that's what I'm thinking.

Phoebe: All right, so what were you thinking?

Monica: Well, I was thinking that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?

Phoebe: Oh! No.

Monica: Why not?

Phoebe: Because I'm just... I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.

Monica: No, you're not.

Phoebe: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings.

/ The phone rings. /

Joey: (answering the phone) Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, Julie for you. (throws him the phone)

Ross: (on phone) Hello? Hi.

Chandler: (entering) Hey. Anybody know a good tailor?

Joey: Needs some clothes altered?

Chandler: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.

Joey: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been going to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No, wait, 16. No, excuse me, heh, 15, heh. (still confused) All right, when was 1990?

Chandler: Okay. You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!

Ross: (on phone) Okay, okay, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Okay, bye. What? (sits down next to Rachel) Oh, that is so sweet. No, ugh... no, okay, no, you hang up. No, you... Okay, okay, one, two, three. Shh. (doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet) Well you didn't hang up either.

Rachel: She didn't hang up either!

Ross: Okay, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y...

Rachel: (takes the phone and hangs it up) Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.

Ross: Rachel! I'll just call her back.

Rachel: Okay!

Ross: (calls Julie back) Hi, sweetie. Sorry, we got disconnected... (walks away)

Rachel: (to Monica) Okay, okay, okay, okay. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now all of a sudden, he's Ross, oh, this really great guy that I can't have.

Monica: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too.

Rachel: I know you did. I'm just going to deal with it, I'm just going to deal with it. (Ross comes by, smooching with Julie on the phone) I gotta get out of here. (exits)

Chandler: Okay, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her.

/ Monica and Rachel's, the next morning. /

Joey: (to Chandler) You know, I think I was 16.

Monica: (to Phoebe) Please, just a little bit off the back.

Phoebe: I'm still on "no."

Rachel: (poking her head in from her bedroom) Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?

Joey: No-no-no-no-no, (grabs his pants) I'm not falling for that again.

Phoebe: What's going on?

Rachel: Well, I sort of did a stupid thing last night.

Chandler: What stupid thing did you do?

Paulo: (entering from Rachel's room) Buongiorno a tutti. (Italian: Good morning, everyone)

Phoebe: Eww! (gets up and walks away)

/ Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. /

Rachel: Okay, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you'll be on your way, okay, bye-bye. (Paulo goes into his room)

Monica: Rachel, how did this happen?

Rachel: I don't know, I just kind of ran into him last night.

Phoebe: Where?

Rachel: At his apartment. Is this juice?

Joey: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe?

Rachel: Oh, god. I know I'm a pathetic loser.

Monica: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad.

Chandler: Yeah. People do stupid things when they're upset.

Monica: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't... (everyone looks at her) but this is about your horrible mistake.

/ Ross and Julie enter. /

All: Hi! Hey!

Ross: Sorry, we're late. We were, uh... well, there was touching.

Paulo: (entering) Hey, hey Ross.

Ross: Hey, Paulo. What uh... What are you doing here?

Paulo: I do Raquel.

Ross: Ah. (to Rachel) So, uh, he's back.

Rachel: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?

Ross: No, not a problem.

Rachel: Good! Glad it's not a problem.

Phoebe: (to Paulo) Okay, you're going to have to not touch my ass.

Chandler: Well, despite the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered.

Joey: Oh. Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means.

Chandler: You sure he's going to be able to crack that code?

Monica: (to Phoebe) You know it's funny, the last time Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.

Phoebe: All right. Okay, but, but! You have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and... you know, Monica about it.

Monica: I promise.

Phoebe: All right. Let's see. (talking to Monica's hair) Now some of you are going to get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you will feel a thing.

/ Monica's bedroom. Phoebe is finishing with her haircut and Monica is wincing. /

Phoebe: All right, that's it, I quit.

Monica: What? I didn't say anything.

Phoebe: Yeah, but this (makes Monica's face) isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Okay, this (makes Monica's face) is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person.

Monica: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed.

Phoebe: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.

Monica: How... who wears it?

Phoebe: Demi Moore.

Monica: Heh. Demi Moore is not a he.

Phoebe: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.

Monica: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.

Phoebe: Oh. Oh!

Monica: Oh, my god!

Phoebe: Oh, my god!

Monica: Oh, my god!

Phoebe: Oh, my god! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Which one is Demi Moore?

Monica: She's the actress that was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost!

Phoebe: Oh, oh, she's got gorgeous hair.

Monica: I know!

Both: Oh, my god!

/ Frankie's tailor shop, Chandler is getting his pants measured. /

Frankie: How long do you want the cuffs?

Chandler: At least as long as I have the pants.

/ Pause as Frankie resumes his work. /

Frankie: I just got that. Okay, now we'll do your inseam.

/ He slowly measures it up his leg, and Chandler makes a rather surprised face. /

/ Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing her doctor and is coming in from the bedroom. /

Rachel: How is she?

Phoebe: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign.

Ross: How's the hair?

Phoebe: I'm not going to lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.

Joey: Can we see her?

Phoebe: Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, why don't you come on in.

Ross: Yeah. (gets up, but then pauses when he realizes what that meant)

/ They go into the bedroom leaving Joey and Rachel alone. /

Joey: Well, how you doing?

Rachel: I'm okay.

Joey: Oh, that bad, huh?

Rachel: What?

Joey: Look, Rach. I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts. Sit.

Rachel: Ugh, Joey. When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I just hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, 50 feet of crap, then me.

Joey: You gotta tell Ross how you feel.

Rachel: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie?

Joey: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years.

Rachel: I don't know, I don't know.

Joey: Look, Rach, Rach! I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you.

Chandler: (entering, angry) Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec? (pause) Your tailor is a very bad man!

Joey: Frankie? What're you talking about?

Ross: (entering from the bedroom) Hey, what's going on? (pats Chandler on the shoulder which causes him to jump)

Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.

Ross: What?

Joey: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.

Chandler: Oh, come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...

Ross: What?

Chandler: Cupping.

Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. (Chandler and Ross stare at him) What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?

Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison! What's the matter with you?

Joey: What? That's not? (realizes) Oh, my God.

/ Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is now out. /

Monica: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better.

Ross: I like it. Yeah, I do, I think it's a Ten. (Chandler laughs)

Monica: Thank you. My hair is very amused.

Chandler: Oh, Come on, Monica, things could be worse. I mean, uh... You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.

Phoebe: (to Chandler and Ross) Thank you.

Ross: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rach.

Rachel: (sticking her head in from the balcony) Wait, are you leaving?

Ross: Yeah, that's kind of what I meant by "bye!"

Rachel: Well, can I talk to you for a sec?

Ross: Okay. (goes out onto the balcony)

Joey: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test...

Chandler: That's okay.

/ Out on the balcony. /

Ross: What's going on?

Rachel: Um... Well, um, okay, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing that I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all, (Ross is laughing) what?

Ross: Okay. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot?

Rachel: No. No-no-no-no.

Ross: Okay, um. Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I mean I actually... I-I physically hate him. You know? I always have. And you, you are way too good to be with a guy like that.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, you know, and who gets how... how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh, my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, like the way I am doing with Julie. (Rachel has moved closer, but hearing that she starts to back up) Was there a "second of all"?

Rachel: Um. No, um, I think that was the whole "all".

Ross: I gotta go. Okay. Okay. (they hug) Okay.

/ Cut back inside, Joey is on the phone. /

Joey: No, I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they measure pants.

/ Central Perk, Julie is wanting to get her haircut from Phoebe. /

Julie: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Andie McDowell's new haircut?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Oh, I can do that.

Julie: Really?

Phoebe: Yeah. Do you want to do it right now?

Julie: Great! (leaves)

Both: Okay.

Phoebe: (to Rachel) Okay, I just want to make really sure this time. Andie McDowell is the girl fromFour Weddings and a Funeral, right?

Rachel: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney McDowell. Andie McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Okay, thank you.

Rachel: You're welcome.