Transcripts - Friends - Season 2

/ Ross' apartment. Carol and Susan are picking Ben up. /

Ross: Okay. Here's his diaper bag, and his, uh... Mr. Winky, and uh... Oh, him. Hi!

Carol: So how did everything go?

Ross: Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh... throwing up incident, but he started it.

Carol: Well, we've gotta go.

Ross: Okay.

/ Susan clears her throat. /

Carol: Oh, right. Um... I've got some news. It's about us.

Ross: Oh, you and me?

Carol: Uh... no, Susan and me.

Susan: The other us.

Ross: Okay.

Carol: We're, uh... we're getting married.

Ross: As in, I now pronounce you wife and wife married?

Carol: Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally understand if you don't want to.

Ross: Well. Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.

Carol: Look, I just thought that...

Ross: No, no, no. I mean, I... Hey, uh... Why shouldn't I be... happy for you? You know? I mean... What would it say about me if I couldn't... revel in your joy? And I... I'm revelling, baby, believe me!

Susan: Is your finger caught in that chair?

Ross: Mmm-hmm.

Carol: Want us to go?

Ross: Uh-huh.

/ Monica and Rachel's. Joey, Chandler, and Ross are watching TV while Monica is on the phone. /

Ross: This is so cool. You're actually going to be on television.

Joey: I know. It really hit me last night. I'm going to be on Days of our Lives. And then I started thinking about all of us, and how these are the days of our lives...

Monica: (hangs up the phone) Yes!

Ross, Chandler, and Joey: What?

Monica: Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast.

Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Yes!

Monica: They want me to do it, which is really cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need the money, and this isn't a problem for you, is it?

Ross: Would it matter?

Monica: Oh, you are so great! (kisses him) Thank you!

Joey: Are you really not going?

Ross: I am really not going. I mean, I don't get it. They already live together, why do they need to get married?

Monica: Because they love each other, and they want to celebrate that love with the people that are close with them.

Ross: If you want to call that a reason.

Chandler: (singing to the tune of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood) Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor.

Monica: Ross, I thought you were over this.

Ross: Look, that has nothing to do with this, okay? She's my ex-wife. If- if she were marrying a guy, none of you would expect me to be there.

Joey: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like the worst lesbian ever.

Rachel: (entering hurriedly) Did I miss it? Did I miss it?

Joey: No, no. I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.

Chandler: Whoa, she's pretty.

Joey: Yeah, oh, and she's really nice, too. She taught me all about... you know, how to work with the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.

Rachel: I'm sorry, what?

Monica and Chandler: What?

Joey: It's like... you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinking of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this. (starts to act)

All: Mmm, okay...

Joey: Oh. There's my scene, there's my scene. 

Joey (as Dr.Drake Ramoray on TV): Mrs. Wallace.

Mrs. Wallace (on TV): Yes.

Joey (as Dr.Drake Ramoray on TV): I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.

Mrs. Wallace (on TV): Yeah. Tell me.Is she going to be alright?

Joey (as Dr.Drake Ramoray on TV):I'm afraid the situation is much dier than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a... (making the smell-the-fart acting face) a subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this further over coffee...

Chandler: Nice!

Rachel: That's great!

Ross: Excellent!

Chandler: You know, for a minute there I thought you were actually trying to smell something.

/ Time lapse. Joey is portraying his acting skills. /

All: Do it. That is so good!

Ross: Do it again!

Joey: All right, all right. Damn it, Braverman, it's right there on the chart!

Chandler: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.

Ross: No, no, no, that's me.

Chandler: Oh, right.

/ Ross opens the door and Phoebe is just standing there. /

Ross and Chandler: Oh.

Phoebe: Oh. Thanks. I couldn't, uh...

Ross: Is everything okay?

Phoebe: Um... no, huh-uh. Uh... Ahem. One of my clients died on the massage table today.

Ross: Oh,my god.

Chandler: That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.

Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, um... She was... you know... 82 years old. And, uh... Her name was, um... Mrs. Adelman.

Monica: Oh, honey.

Phoebe: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, you know, she probably woke up this morning and thought, Alright, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and- and, you know, then I'll have my massage. Little did she know god was thinking, Okay, but that's it. Oh, oh... but the weirdest thing was, okay, uh... I was cleansing her aura when it happened, and when- when her spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far.

Rachel: Ahem. What do you mean?

Phoebe: I- I- I think it went into me. (everyone steps back)

/ Central Perk. Everyone is there. /

Monica: God, this is so hard. I can't decide between lamb or duck.

Chandler: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.

Rachel: Okay, who ordered what?

Ross: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.

Chandler: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?

Rachel: Uh... Oh, god.

Joey: I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom coming.

Rachel: I know, but it's just... it's the first time, and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry, that my life is total crap, you know?

Phoebe: (Mrs. Adelman's voice) Talk about crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.

Joey: Uh, Pheebs, how long do you think this lady will be with us?

Phoebe: I don't know. I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business. (to Chandler in Mrs. Adelman's voice) Sit up! (he does do)

Mrs. Green: (enters) There she is!

Rachel: Mom!

Mrs. Green: Sweetie! So this is where you work? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the fun.

Rachel: Pretty much. Here, meet my friends.

Mrs. Green: Oh, Monica! You look gorgeous! Oh, Mon. The last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.

Rachel: Uh. This is Joey, this is Phoebe, and this is Chandler, and you remember Ross.

Mrs. Green: Oh, hello, Ross.

Ross: Hi, Mrs. Green. (gets up to shake her hand but she ignores him)

Mrs. Green: So, what do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job?

Rachel: Oh, Mom!

Mrs. Green: Oh, baby. If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink.

Chandler: Believe me, sometimes that happens.

Mrs. Green: This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you.

Rachel: Oh. Really?

Mrs. Green: Yes. 

Phoebe: (in Mrs. Adelman's voice) I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. Of course, that's before she got the lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.

Joey: Pheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer?

Phoebe: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales?

/ Monica and Rachel's. Rachel is in the kitchen, while Mrs. Green is looking through the big window. /

Mrs. Green: Oh, my god. There's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.

Rachel: Yeah, well, just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

Mrs. Green: (laughing) You have some life here, sweetie.

Rachel: I know. And Mom, I realize you and daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and get the big house in the suburbs with all the security and everything, but... god, this is just so much better for me, you know?

Mrs. Green: I do know. You didn't love Barry, honey. And I've never seen you this happy. I look at you and I think, Oh, this is what I want.

Rachel: For... me.

Mrs. Green: Well, not just for you.

Rachel: Well, what do you mean?

Mrs. Green: I'm, uh... considering leaving your father.

Monica: (enters) All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.

Rachel: Oh, god. I think I'm going to be sick.

Monica: Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them.

/ Central Perk. Everyone is there comforting Rachel. /

Ross: And you had no idea they weren't getting along?

Rachel: None.

Joey: They didn't fight a lot?

Rachel: No! They didn't even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems?

Phoebe: (in Mrs. Adelman's voice) You know, in my day, divorce was not an option.

Joey: Hey, look who's up.

Rachel: Oh. I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced. You know? I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this.

Monica: Well. Is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you.

Rachel: Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut?

Chandler: You know, it's funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case, it's actually kind of true.

Phoebe: Oh. That's him.

Chandler: Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet.

Mr. Adelman: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yes. Hi, Mr. Adelman. 

Mr. Adelman: Nice to see you.

Phoebe: Hi. Thanks for meeting me.

Mr. Adelman: Oh, that's all right, although you did cut into my very busy day of sitting.

Phoebe: Oh. Um... Oh, do you want to sit?

Mr. Adelman: Oh, no, no, no, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now, uh... What can I do for you, my dear?

Phoebe: Oh. Okay. I don't know how to say this, but, um... I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it, um... kind of stuck around... in me.

Mr. Adelman: You're saying, my wife is in you?

Phoebe: Yeah. Okay, you don't have to believe me, but, um... can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she'd be hanging around?

Mr. Adelman: Well, I don't know what to tell you, dear. The only thing I can think of is that... she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything.

Phoebe: Everything?

Mr. Adelman: Everything.

Phoebe: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff.

Mr. Adelman: Oh, wait, I- I- I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.

Phoebe: I'm sorry, there's laughing in my head.

Mr. Adelman: (to Joey) Worth a shot, huh? (Joey nods and shrugs)

/ Monica and Rachel's. Monica is in the pictures while Rachel and Mrs. Green are looking at pictures in the living room. /

Mrs. Green: (laughs) Oh! Look at this.

Rachel: Oh. (laughs) These are from Halloween three years ago.

Mrs. Green: Oh, and look, here's Barry. Oh. Did he have to come straight from the office?

Rachel: Oh. No, that was his costume. See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist.

Monica: Um, you guys?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Remember when I said before, uh... Thank you, but I don't really need your help?

Rachel: Actually, what I think you said was, Don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen.

Monica: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it.

Rachel: Hey, Mon, you want some help?

Monica: If you want.

Phoebe: (enters) Hey. 

Monica and Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: What a day. Oh, I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty.

Rachel: She's still with you?

Phoebe: Yes. I guess she hasn't seen everything yet. I'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. (takes Mrs. Green's chin in her hand and says, in Mrs. Adelman's voice) Oh, such a pretty face.

Mrs. Green: (laughs) Oh, this is so much fun, just the girls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?

Rachel: God!

Monica: All right, look, no one's smoking pot around all this food.

Mrs. Green: Well. That's fine. I never did it. I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?

Rachel: Oh! What's new in sex?

Mrs. Green: The only man I've ever been with is your father.

Monica: I'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don't hear anything.

Mrs. Green: I- I mean, this is no offense to your dad, sweetie, but I was thinking... there might be more.

Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you.

Mrs. Greene: All right, all right, all right.

Rachel: I mean, god, you just come in here, and drop this bomb on me, before you even tell daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my blessing?

Mrs. Green: No.

Rachel: You want me to talk you out of it?

Mrs. Green: No.

Rachel: Then, what? What do you want?

Mrs. Green: I guess I just figured of all people you would understand.

Rachel: Why on earth would I understand this?

Mrs. Green: You didn't marry your Barry, honey. But I married mine.

Rachel: Oh.

/ Monica and Rachel's. Everyone except Rachel is there. They are helping Monica in the kitchen, except Ross, who is sitting on the couch. /

Monica: All right, people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!

Chandler: Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles.

Monica: Joey, speed it up!

Joey: I'm sorry, it's the pigs. They're reluctant to get in the blankets!

Phoebe: Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out.

Monica: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you want to see me cry?

Phoebe: Sir! No, sir!

Monica: (to Ross) All right, you!

Ross: What... No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing.

Monica: All right, look, Ross. I realize that you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm going to take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and I'm going to create a new appetizer called Pigs in Ross. All right, ball the melon.

Chandler: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon.

/ There's a knock at the door. /

Monica: Hi.

Carol: Hi. How's it going?

Monica: Oh. It's going great. Right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers. (everyone groans)

Carol: That's fine, whatever.

Ross: What's the matter?

Carol: Nothing. Okay, everything. I think we're calling off the wedding.

Ross: What?

Monica: You're still going to pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish.

Ross: Carol, what's the matter? What happened?

Carol: My parents called this afternoon to say they weren't coming.

Ross: Oh, my god.

Carol: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but... but they're my parents. I mean, they're supposed to give me away and everything.

Ross: It's okay. I'm sorry.

Carol: Oh. And then Susan and I got in this big fight because I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and she said we weren't doing this for them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that, then maybe we should call off the wedding. I don't know what to do.

Ross: I, uh... can't believe I'm going to say this, but I think Susan's right.

Carol: You do?

Ross: Look, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this.

Carol: Of course, I do.

Ross: Well, then that's it. And if George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, I mean, if my parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that would've stopped me, alright? Look, this is your wedding. Do it.

Carol: Yeah. You're right. Of course, you're right.

Monica: So we're back on?

Carol: We're back on.

Monica: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes!

/ The Wedding Ceremony. /

Joey: It just seems so futile, you know? All these women, and... nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.

Chandler: Well, now you understand how I feel every single day, okay? The world is my lesbian wedding.

/ Wedding music starts, and Phoebe noisily unwraps a piece of candy. /

Phoebe: (in Mrs. Adelman's voice) Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.

/ Monica pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller. Susan is escorted by both her parents. Carol is escorted by Ross. /

Carol: Thank you.

Ross: Any time. (doesn't want to let her go)

Carol: Ross. (he lets her go)

Minister: You know, nothing makes god happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony.

Phoebe: (in Mrs. Adelman's voice) Oh, my god. Now I've seen everything! (regular voice) Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go.

/ Time Lapse. At the reception, Monica and Ross watch Carol and Susan getting their picture taken. /

Monica: Would you look at them?

Ross: Yeah, can't help but.

Joey: (to Susan's father) How's that Pig In The Blanket working out for you? (he nods) I wrapped those bad boys.

Phoebe: (to Chandler) I miss Rose.

Chandler: Oh, yeah?

Phoebe: I know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and... now I just feel kind of alone.

Woman: You know, I uh... I couldn't help but overhear what you just said, and... I think it's time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your life... How about we go get you a drink?

Phoebe: Okay, that's so nice.

/ Chandler tries to warn Phoebe that the woman is coming on to her, but Phoebe doesn't see him. /

Chandler: (to another woman) I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? (the woman walks away)

Rachel: Hey, Mom? Having fun?

Mrs. Green: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I want to pursue, but it's nice to know I have options.

Rachel: Ahem. There's more alcohol, right?

/ Susan approaches Ross, who's looking lonely. /

Susan: How you doing?

Ross: Okay.

Susan: You did a good thing today.

Ross: Yeah.

Susan: You want to dance?

Ross: No, um... that's fine.

Susan: Come on. I'll let you lead.

Ross: Okay.

/ They dance. Carol looks on lovingly. /

Chandler: (to the woman who just rejected him) All right, look. Penis schmenis. Okay? We're all people. (she walks away again)

/ Monica and Rachel's. The gang is there along with Ben. /

Monica: Okay, which one of us do you think is going to be the first one to get married?

Ross: Well, Mon, I was married.

Phoebe: Yeah, me, too, technically.

Rachel: I had a wedding.

Monica: All right, just trying to start an interesting discussion.

Joey: I got one. Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married? (they all look at Chandler)

Chandler: Is- isn't Ben in this?

All: Oh, yeah!