Episode 4 - The One With Phoebe's Husband
/ Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the phone. /
Rachel: Mom, would you relax? That was 10 blocks from here, and... and the woman was walking alone at night. I would never do that. Mom, come on, stop worrying. This is a safe street. This is a safe building. There's nothing... (a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table) Ah! Oh, my God. Oh, my God! What are you doing here? Mom, I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. (hangs up) Oh. Oh my god. Okay, that's fine, you just read the paper. I'm going to get a pot, it's not for you. (grabs a pot and lid) Okay, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. (puts pot over the pigeon) Ah, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, ah! Ugh. Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, uh! (someone is knocking at the door) It's open, you guys!
/ A stranger enters with flowers. /
Stranger: Hi.
Rachel: Hi, hi, can I help you?
Stranger: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?
Rachel: Uh, no, she doesn't. But I can... I can get a message to her.
Stranger: Great. Uh, just tell her her husband stopped by. (leaves flowers on bar)
Rachel: Her what? (in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away)
Stranger: Hey, how, how did you do that?
/ Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there. /
Joey: This is unbelievable, Pheebs, how can you be married?
Phoebe: Well, I mean, I'm not "married" married, you know? He was just a friend and... he's gay and he was from Canada and he just needed a green card.
Monica: I can't believe you married Duncan. I mean... How could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, Monica. But I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgemental, and you would not approve.
Monica: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?
Ross: You see? And you thought she'd be judgemental.
Phoebe: Okay, I wasn't in love with him, and I was just helping out a friend.
Monica: Please, when he left town, you stayed in your pajamas for a month. And I saw you eat a cheeseburger.
/ Everyone gasps. /
Monica: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe: ...I might have.
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: Oh, come on, like you tell me everything?
Monica: What have I not told you?
Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. Um, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace?
Rachel: What?
/ Rachel, Joey, Ross, and Phoebe run over to the window to look. /
Monica: Wait a minute, who told you? (turns to Chandler who's looking sheepish) You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know it was a big secret.
Monica: Oh, it's not big. Not at all, you know, kind of on the same lines as, say, oh, I don't know, having a third nipple!
/ Everyone gasps. They come back from the window and surround Chandler with Ross hopping on the couch. /
Phoebe: You have a third nipple?
Chandler: (to Monica) You bitch.
Ross: Whip it out. Whip it out!
Phoebe: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Chandler: (walks into the living room) Come on, there's nothing to see. It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless.
Rachel: Oh, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know. You see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again.
/ They go over to Chandler. /
All: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin. Show us the nubbin.
Chandler: No. No. Joey was in a porno movie.
/ Everyone gasps. /
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.
/ They all run over to Joey. /
All: Oh. What! Oh, my god.
Ross: You were in a porno?
Joey: Ah, alright, alright, alright. I was young and I just wanted a job, okay? But at the last minute, I couldn't go through with it. So they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't, because there's people having sex on it.
All: Wow.
Monica: That is wild.
Ross: (to Chandler) So, what's it shaped like?
Phoebe: Yeah, is there a hair on it?
Joey: What happens if you flick it?
/ Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting on the couch. /
Ross: So, uh... does it do anything... you know... special?
Chandler: Why, yes, Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
Julie: You know, in some cultures, having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.
Chandler: Huh. Are... uh... any of these cultures, perchance, in the tri-state area?
Ross: (to Julie) You know, you are so amazing. Is there anything you... you don't know?
/ They kiss. /
Rachel: (mocks Ross to Monica at the counter) Oh, Julie's so smart. Julie's so special.
Monica: Look, honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now, and... you're just going to have to get over it.
Rachel: Oh, I'm going to have to get over it. Ugh. God, see, I didn't know that's what I had to do. I just have to get over it.
/ Phoebe enters all dressed up. /
All: Whoa.
Joey: Sassy lady.
Julie: Where are you going?
Phoebe: Um, I'm going to go meet Duncan. He's skating tonight at the Garden. He's in the Capades.
Joey: The Ice Capades?
Chandler: No, no, the Gravel Capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast, but when Snoopy falls... funny.
Monica: I can't believe you're dressing up for him. I mean, you're just... You're setting yourself up all over again.
Phoebe: Okay, no. For your information, I'm going to see him so I can put all those feelings behind me. Okay, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for your gay husband.
Ross: (holding cream pitcher) Oh, darn it, we're all out of milk. (holds pitcher in front of Chandler's chest and flips the lid) Hey, Chandler, would you fill me up here?
Chandler: Oh, I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha...
/ Central Perk, close to closing. Ross and Julie are still there. Rachel is cleaning tables. /
Ross: Okay, sweetie. I'll see you later.
Julie: Bye.
Ross: Bye.
Julie: See you later, Rach.
Rachel: Byebye, Julie.
/ Julie leaves. /
/ Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks Rachel in the butt. /
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
/ Ross kicks her again. /
Rachel: Hey, come on, cut it out.
Ross: Hey?
Rachel: What?
Ross: Can I ask you something?
Rachel: Sure.
Ross: Eh.
Rachel: What?
Ross: Eh.
Rachel: Come on, talk to me.
Ross: Okay. What's the longest you've been in the relationship before... ha- having... having the sex?
Rachel: Why? Who's not having... Are you and Julie not... are- are you and... are you and Julie not having sex?
Ross: Well. Technically, huh, no.
Rachel: Wow. Is it, is it because she's so cold in bed? Or- or is it because she's like, kind of bossy, makes it feel like school?
Ross: No, no, she's great, and it's not like we haven't done... anything. I mean, uh, uh, we- we do... plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uh...
Rachel: No, no no no, don't need to know the details... It's okay.
Ross: It's just... it's, it's me. You... you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian.
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Ross: So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know um... it's become, like this... this thing and I- I... You know, you must just think I'm weird.
Rachel: No, no, no, no. I don't think it's weird, I think... I think um... in fact, in fact you know what I think?
Ross: What?
Rachel: I think it's sexy.
Ross: Sexy?
Rachel: Let me tell you something. As a woman, there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex.
Ross: No kidding.
Rachel: Oh, yeah. In fact you know what I'd do?
Ross: What?
Rachel: I'd wait.
Ross: You'd wait?
Rachel: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait... then I'd wait some more.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if she begs, she pleads, she tells you she- she's going to have sex with... with another man. That just means it's working.
Ross: Women really want this?
Rachel: More than jewelry.
/ Rachel struts off, extremely pleased with herself. /
/ Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. /
Phoebe: Hi.
Duncan: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Ta-da.
Duncan: Hey.
Phoebe: Hi.
Duncan: Ah, look at you, you look great!
Phoebe: Do I?
Duncan: Yeah.
Phoebe: Thank you, so do you.
Duncan: Thanks.
Phoebe: Sparkly.
Duncan: Yeah.
Phoebe: So, wow, this is... this is pretty wonderful, huh? Mr. Major Capades guy. I- I- I remember when you were just like... King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice Is Nice.
Duncan: You always said I'd make it.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, you know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Woo.
Duncan: I missed you. (they hug) I'm going to get changed.
Phoebe: Okay.
/ Phoebe doesn't let him go. /
Duncan: Um, now…
Phoebe: What?
Duncan: Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh, right, okay. Olé.
Duncan: What?
Phoebe: Um, the Matador.
/ Duncan leaves. /
Phoebe: Olé. Ha ha ha...
/ Ross' apartment. Ross and Julie are setting the table. /
Ross: Sweetie, can you hold this for a second?
Julie: Sure.
Ross: Thanks. (hands her a bowl and kisses her)
/ Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel enter. Ross and Julie don't notice. /
Chandler: Uh, Julie?
Julie: Yeah.
Chandler: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're all right.
Ross: Hi, everyone.
All: Hi.
Ross: (pulls Rachel aside) Oh, listen, listen. I just... I wanted to thank you for our... uh... our little talk before.
Rachel: Oh, God, no problem. So you're going to go with the... uh... waiting thing?
Ross: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey.
Rachel: Good. Ahem. What did, what did he say?
Ross: Basically, he told me to get over myself and just do it, you know. So I thought about what you said, and I thought about what he said, and well, his way, I get to have sex tonight, so…
Rachel: Oh, god...
/ Ross's apartment, after dinner. Chandler enters. /
Chandler: What is this in my pocket? Why? It's Joey's porno movie.
Ross: Pop it in.
Joey: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're okay watching a video filled with two-nippled people.
/ Chandler puts the tape in. /
Rachel: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see.
Ross: What's wrong with people having sex?
Rachel: Ahem. Well, well, um... You know, these movies are offensive and uh... degrading to women and females. And uh... and the lighting's always unflattering. And... Monica, help me out here.
Monica: Hell, I want to see Joey.
/ The video starts with the cheesy porn disco music. /
Julie: So, is there like a story or do they just start doing it right... (sees they are having sex already) Oh, never mind.
Chandler: Okay, now, wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
Monica: All I say is, she better get the job.
Ross: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.
Joey: Shh... Hey, here I come, here I come. See, I'm coming to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinking what do I do, what do I do... So I just watch them have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line: (Joey from TV) You know that's bad for the paper tray.
Chandler: Nice work, my friend.
Joey: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blocking me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am...
/ Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is fixing her hair and Duncan enters. /
Phoebe: So um, so what's up, you came to see me yesterday.
Duncan: Oh, yeah, um... Alright, I kind of need a divorce.
Phoebe: O-kay. How come?
Duncan: Um... actually... I- I'm getting married again.
Phoebe: What?
Duncan: Oh, god, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight.
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh.
Duncan: Yeah, I know, I...
Phoebe: I... I don't, I don't understand, I don't understand. How can you be straight? I mean, you're... you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.
Duncan: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore.
Phoebe: So how long have you known?
Duncan: Well, I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I thought I was supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just trying to fit in.
Phoebe: And um... and there's actually a... a woman?
Duncan: Her name's Debra.
Phoebe: Oh. Well, is she... is she the first that you've been with?
Duncan: Well, I've never told you this. But... there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I- I... I told myself it was the liquor and e- everyone experiments in college.
Phoebe: Sure.
Duncan: But, now I know I don't have a choice about this. I was born this way.
Phoebe: I... I- I don't know what to say. I mean... you know, you're married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day he says, Oh, I'm not gay.
Duncan: I'm... I'm still me.
Phoebe: Why couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago?
/ Ross' apartment. Everyone is sitting around. Monica enters from the bathroom. /
Monica: You know, it still smells like monkey in there.
Julie: Well. That saves us a conversation.
Chandler: Well, listen, this has been great, but I'm officially wiped.
Joey: Me too, we should get going.
Rachel: No, no, I mean... I... No, come on, you guys, I mean... Come on, look, it's only 11:30. Let's just talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore.
Monica: Rachel, that's all we do.
Rachel: Maybe that's all we do, what about Julie?
Julie: What about Julie?
Rachel: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now, and we don't really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like? What don't you like? We want to know everything.
Julie: Well, that could take a while.
Rachel: So? I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie?
Chandler: I got the time to get to know Julie.
Joey: I got time.
Monica: Rach, I know her pretty well, can I go? (Rachel gives her a look from hell) That's fine.
Rachel: Okay, Julie, so now let's start with your childhood, what was that like?
Julie: Well, in a nutshell...
Rachel: Ah, uh, uh, uh...
/ Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is signing the divorce papers. /
Phoebe: So, um, have you told your parents?
Duncan: No, but it'll be okay. They're pretty cool. My brother's straight, so...
Phoebe: (handing him the papers) Here you go. You know what? I just have one more question, um... if you had figured this out sooner and um... I had been around, do you think that I would have been the one who... no, um, I'm sorry. Don't tell me. I don't think either answer would make me feel better. Here.
Duncan: I love you, Phoebe. (they hug and kiss)
Phoebe: So your brother's straight, huh? Seriously.
/ Ross' apartment, Julie is telling her life story. /
Julie: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb.
Rachel: Mrs... Mrs. Gobb?
Julie: No, Cobb, as in cobb salad.
Rachel: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad?
Chandler: I'm going home.
Rachel: What?
/ Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and Monica exit. /
Joey: Boy, that Julie's a talker, huh?
Ross: Goodnight.
Rachel: Whew. So, it's pretty late, you're probably, uh, not still planning on...
Ross: Oh, no- no, I am.
Rachel: Oh, well, are... Hey, are you nervous?
Ross: Um, no. No, I, uh... I have done it before.
Rachel: Well, okay, I mean, uh... what... How are you going to handle it? I mean... are... are you going to... are you going to talk about it beforehand, are you just going to pounce?
Ross: I... uh... I don't know, I guess I'm just going to... see... see what happens. You know?
Rachel: Okay, gook luck.
Ross: Wha... uh... What?
Rachel: Wha... Nothing, I mean, um... It is your first time with her, and... you know if the first time doesn't go well, well, then that's... that's pretty darn hard to recover from.
Ross: Okay, now I'm nervous.
Rachel: Maybe you should put it off.
Ross: No, no, I don't want to put it off, I ju... God, I'm just... I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, you know? And now, now, I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just... I just don't want to, I don't want to mess it up, you know?
Rachel: I know. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Ross: What? It's not your fault.
Rachel: Right. Maybe it... maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were... on the right track with this whole... you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: Yeah. I mean, you know... I mean, if it were me, I... I... you know, I'd want you to...
Ross: What?
Rachel: I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really... good kiss, you know, really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um... brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen.
Ross: (being drawn in by her talk) Uh-huh.
Rachel: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you, so that... so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty, and uh... and blurry, and then it's just happening.
Ross: Oh... Thanks, Rach. Goodnight. (goes back in apartment)
Rachel: Oh, god.
/ A Street, the next morning. Ross is dancing along, Singing in the Rain is playing. Two old ladies are sitting on a bench. /
Ross: Good morning.
Old Woman: Well. Somebody got some last night.
Ross: Twice.