Transcripts - Friends - Season 2

/ Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, Ross and Ben are there. Ben is sitting in his little rocking seat. /

Monica: Who the winny-binny boy? Oh. You the winny-winny-binny-binny boy, yes. (Ben starts crying) Don't cry. Don't cry. Huh? (to Ross) Why is he still crying?

Ross: Let me hold him for a sec. Here we go, huh? (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are.

Monica: Maybe it's me.

Ross: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants.

Chandler: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kind of moody.

Ross: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica)

Monica: There's my little boy. Eh. (Ben starts crying again)

Chandler: Can I... uh... see something?

/ Chandler takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying. He does that a couple times. /

Joey: Cool.

Monica: He hates me. My nephew hates me.

Ross: Come on, don't do this.

Monica: What if my own baby hates me, huh? What- what am I going to do then?

Chandler: Monica, would you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's going to be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. (Monica glares at him) Joey, she does not look fat.

/ Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Chandler has a basketball. /

Monica: (to Chandler) Here you go. (sets a drink down in front of him)

Chandler: Oh, hey, Monica. (holds the basketball in front of Monica)

Joey: (imitating Ben) Waah!

/ Chandler moves the basketball away. /

Joey: Goo, goo, goo.

/ Chandler moves the basketball in front of Monica again. /

Joey: Waah!

Monica: That is so funny. Let me see that a sec. (throws the ball out the window)

/ Ross starts to make some gurgling sounds. /

Joey: You okay, Ross?

Ross: I don't know. What's in this pie?

Monica: Uh, I don't know, um... butter and eggs, flour and lime, kiwi...

Ross: Ki- kiwi? Kiwi? You said it was a key lime pie.

Monica: No, I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special.

Ross: That's what's going to kill me. Ahem. I'm allergic to kiwi.

Monica: No, you're not. You're- you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and...

Ross: Ugh.

Monica: Oh, my god.

Ross: Ugh. It's definitely getting worse.

Monica: Okay. All right. Is your tongue swelling up?

Ross: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.

Monica: All right, get your coat, we're going to go to the hospital.

Joey: Is he going to be okay?

Monica: Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot.

Ross: (sitting back down) Oh. You know, you know, actually, it's getting better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone up for Scrabble?

Monica: Jacket, now.

Ross: What- what- what about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital.

Joey: We'll watch him.

Ross: Uh. Ha, I don't think so.

Joey: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we want to do it, don't we?

Chandler: Well, I was looking forward to playing basketball, but... I guess that's out the window.

Ross: Okay, well, if you do take him out for a walk, just remember to bring his hat, okay? And there's extra milk in the fridge, and extra diapers in the bag.

Joey: Hat, milk... got it.

Ross: Okay. (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro- a thro thro! A tholopacy! Thro up a thro thro- a thro thro!

Joey: Consider it done.

Chandler: You understood that?

Joey: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.

Chandler: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?

/ Central Perk, Rachel is doing some cleaning as Phoebe sits on the couch with her guitar. /

Phoebe: Hey, Rach, want to hear the new song I'm thinking of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: (singing) I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.

Terry: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see you for a minute?

Rachel: What's up?

Terry: Uh... FYI: I've decided to pay a professional musician to play here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. Uh... She's supposed to be very good.

Rachel: But what about Phoebe?

Terry: Rachel, uh, it's not that your friend is bad. It's... it's that she's so bad. She makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.

Rachel: Okay, okay, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her.

Terry: Uh... (points at Rachel)

Rachel: Oh, no no no no. Oh, no no no no. I have to do this to her?

Phoebe: (singing) Lather, rinse, repeat. And lather, rinse, repeat. And lather, rinse, repeat... As needed.

/ A Street, Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben. /

Chandler: You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?

Joey: I'm telling you. It's going to be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's the whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack of babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no, wait, forget them, we got one, hard left. All right, give me the baby.

Chandler: No, I- I got him.

Joey: Come on, seriously.

Chandler: Oh, seriously, you want him?

Woman: Hello.

Chandler and Joey: Hello.

Woman: And who is this little cutie pie?

Chandler: Well, don't- don't think me immodest, but... me?

Joey: You want to smell him?

Woman: I assume we're talking about the baby now.

Joey: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.

Woman: (sniffs his head) I think my uterus just skipped a beat.

Joey: (to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?

Woman: I think it's great you guys are doing this.

Chandler: Well, we are great guys.

Woman: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?

/ Central Perk, Rachel has just broken the news to Phoebe. /

Phoebe: But... this is my gig. This is where I play. My- my name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk.

Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry.

Phoebe: And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and- and like a... you know... gold stick with a ball on top?

Rachel: Terry is a jerk, okay? That's why we're always saying: Terry's a jerk! That's where that came from.

Phoebe: Yeah, okay. You probably did everything you could.

Rachel: Okay, you know what? Let- let me just see what else I can do. (goes over to Terry) All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't be here. You don't pay her. It's not going to cost you anything.

Terry: I- I don't know.

Rachel: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.

Terry: You don't clean the cappuccino machine?

Rachel: (scoffs) Of course I clean it. I mean, I- I will clean it. I mean, I will clean it.

Terry: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine.

Rachel: Oh.

/ Rachel goes back to Phoebe. /

Rachel: Done.

Phoebe: Really?

Rachel: Yeah. Who's working for you, babe?

Phoebe: Oh! Oh, my god. This is so exciting.

Rachel: I know.

Phoebe: How much am I going to get?

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Well, you said he's paying the people who are playing, so...

Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. I- I meant that he's going to be paying that other woman because she's a professional.

Phoebe: Well, I'm not going to be the only one who's not getting paid.

Rachel: Well, but, Pheebs...

Phoebe: No, huh-uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some... like sloppy second, you know, charity band. You know what? There are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play.

/ Time Lapse, Phoebe is on the sidewalk in front of Central Perk singing. /

Phoebe: (singing angrily) When I play, I play for me, I don't need your charity. (someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la la la la la...

/ The Hospital. Ross and Monica are waiting for the doctor. /

Ross: Well, there's no way I'm going to get a shot. All right? Maybe they can take the needle and squirt it into my mouth, you know, like- like a squirt gun.

Doctor Carlin: (entering) Hello, there.

Monica: Hi.

Doctor Carlin: I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's having a little allergic reaction.

Monica: Yes. Heh. Doctor, can I see you for just a moment, please? My brother has a slight phobia about needles.

Ross: (to Monica) Did you tell him about my- my squirt gun idea?

Monica: (chuckles) My brother, the Ph.D., would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally.

Doctor Carlin: No, under these circumstances, it has to be an injection, and it has to be now.

Ross: So?

/ Monica shakes her head. /

Ross: Oh.

Monica: Alright, go and have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's got to be a needle. So you're just going to have to be brave, okay? Can you do that for me?

Ross: Okay.

Monica: Okay. Oh, boy. You are doing so good. Yeah. You want to squeeze my hand?

Ross: Yes!

Monica: Okay. (he grabs her hand) All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really... don't squeeze it so hard! (the doctor puts in the needle) Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand!

/ A Street, Chandler and Joey are still trying to pick up women with Ben. /

Chandler: That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we want to pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!

Joey: Hey, hey, look at that talent. (motions to two girls waiting for the bus)

Chandler: (to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on.

/ Chandler and Joey run to get on the bus. /

Chandler: Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Joey: Wait! Wait!

/ Cut to on the bus. /

Girl No. 1: Hey, you. He is just adorable.

Chandler: Oh, can you tell him that? Because he thinks he looks too pink.

Girl No. 2: So what are you guys out doing today?

Joey: Oh, we're not out. No, no, no. No. We're just uh... two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doing the usual straight guy stuff.

Chandler: (to Joey) You done?

Joey: Yeah.

Girl No. 1: Oh, there's our stop.

Joey: Get out of here. This is our stop.

Girl No. 2: You guys live around here, too?

Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh... sidewalk.

Chandler: You know it?

Joey: Heh. Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we uh... get together for a drink?

/ They all get off the bus. /

Girl No. 1: So uh... you want to go to Marquel's?

Chandler: Oh, sure, they love us over there.

Girl No. 2: Hey. Where's your baby?

Chandler and Joey: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben!

Joey: Ben! Ben!

Chandler: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord!

Chandler and Joey: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait...

/ They run around the corner and see three buses pulling away. /

/ The Hospital. Monica and Ross are getting Monica's hand looked at. /

Monica: Are you sure he didn't break it because it really hurts?

Doctor Carlin: No, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here... (pointing to the X-ray) is the puncture wound from your ring.

Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

Monica: It's okay.

Ross: Sorry. Sor- hmm, Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my S's back... which we can celebrate later. Celebrate. Celebrate...

/ Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is still singing. /

Phoebe: (singing) He was a double double double-jointed boy.

/ A woman carrying a guitar case walks up. /

Phoebe: Hey. So, um, are you the professional guitar player?

Stephanie: Yeah. I'm Stephanie.

Phoebe: Oh, right. Yeah.My name was on there (the chalk sign out front), but now it just says Carrot Cake.

Stephanie: Okay.

Phoebe: So um... So um... How many chords do you know?

Stephanie: All of them.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, so you know D?

Stephanie: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay, do you know A-minor?

Stephanie: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay, do you know how to go from D to A-minor?

Stephanie: (scoffs) Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay. Um, so does your guitar have a strap?

Stephanie: No.

Phoebe: Oh. Mine does. (singing) Stephanie knows all the chords. (makes a face)

/ A Street, Chandler and Joey are standing in front of a pay phone. /

Chandler: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up, pi- Hello? Ahem. Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what somebody might do if they left a baby on a city bus. (listens) Yes, I do realize that would be a very stupid character.

Joey: (grabbing the phone) Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. (to Chandler) He wants to talk to you again.

/ Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Stephanie. /

Rachel: Okay, everybody, let's give a uh... nice warm Central Perk welcome to...

Phoebe: (outside singing angrily) Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk!

Rachel: (clears throat) Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer! Whoo!

Stephanie: Thank you. I'd like to start with a song that I wrote for... the first man I ever loved. (singing) Zachary...

Phoebe: (singing/screaming) You're all invited to bite me!

/ City of New York Department of Health Services, Chandler and Joey run in. /

Chandler and Joey: Hi. We're the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on the bus. Is he here? Is he here?

Health Services Guy: He's here.

Chandler and Joey: Aah! (hug each other in relief)

Health Services Guy: I assume one of you is the father.

Chandler: That's me.

Joey: I'm him.

Chandler: Actually, uh, ahem, we're- we're both the father. (puts his arm around Joey)

/ Cut to a back room, Chandler and Joey run into it and over to two different cribs with two different babies. /

Chandler and Joey: Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy!

Chandler: Please tell me you know which one is our baby.

Joey: Well, well, that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Or clowns. Oh, oh, wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember? He had that cute little mole by his mouth.

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Hey, Ben, remember us? Okay, the mole came off.

Joey: Aah!

Chandler: What're we going to do? What're we going to do?

Joey: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.

Chandler: Oh, we're going to flip for the baby?

Joey: You got a better idea?

Chandler: All right, call it in the air.

Joey: Heads.

Chandler: Heads, it is.

Joey: Yes! Whew!

Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.

Joey: Right. Okay, okay, uh... ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.

Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

/ Central Perk, Rachel is standing by the door and looking at Phoebe counting her money as Stephanie is singing. /

Stephanie: (singing) Just call me angel of the morning, angel. Just touch my cheek before you leave me, oh, baby. Just call me angel of the morning, angel. Then slowly turn away. I won't beg you to stay with me.

/ Rachel goes outside. /

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Oh, hi.

Rachel: Here. I thought you might be cold. (hands her a cup of coffee)

Phoebe: Thank you.

Rachel: Oh. Oh. Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well.

Phoebe: $8.27. But not really, because I put in the first two. Just to... you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.

Rachel: Do you?

Phoebe: No. You know, this whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I sang Su- Su- Suicide, I got, like... I got $1.75. But then, Smelly Cat... Oh, I got 25 cents and a condom. So, you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat.

Rachel: Well, you know, honey, I don't- I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if- if all you've ever actually had are- are healthy pets, then, whoosh! (waves her hand over her head)

Phoebe: But it's not even that, you know? It's just... I don't know. I used to do my songs because it made me happy. Now it's like... It's just all about the money, you know?

Rachel: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for Smelly Cat.

Phoebe: Really? From who?

Rachel: Well, ahem, me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite.

/ A kid runs up, who looks like, or will look a lot like Phoebe's brother. /

Kid: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency.

Phoebe: Yeah. Here you go.

Kid: Hey, thanks a lot. Hey, Christine! I got it!

/ Monica and Rachel's. Monica and Ross are sitting on the couch. /

Ross: I just want to thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I- I almost broke your hand.

Monica: That's okay. I'm sorry I poisoned you.

Ross: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand?

Monica: Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle? (points to her hand)

Ross: Oh.

Monica: Wait, what about the time I hit you in the face with Silvian's pumpkin?

Ross: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I- I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head on the curb?

Monica: No. But I remember people telling me about it.

Ross: Oh. I hope Ben has a little sister.

Monica: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass.

Ross: I'm going to get a new band-aid. Hey, how about the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?

Monica: That was you?

Ross: They... uh... They were infected. He wouldn't have made it.

/ Chandler and Joey enter with what they hope is Ben. /

Monica: Aww, my little nephew. Come here, little one. Oh. There's my little baby, Ben. Hey, my little boy. (picks him up) Oh. (to Chandler) Hey, he's not crying!

Chandler: (looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he's not crying!

/ Joey chuckles hesitantly. Then Ben starts crying. /

Joey: Yes! (Monica looks at him) There's still pie. Ha, ha, ha, ha...

Ross: I'm here. I'm here. Ugh.How's my little boy, huh? Huh? You want daddy to change your diaper? Hmm? I know, I know. So, did you have fun with uh, uncle Joey and uncle Chandler today?

Joey: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.

Ross: Oh. Well, big boy riding the bu- Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?

Chandler: You... You are going to love this.

Ross: (to Monica) Can you hold Ben for a sec? (hands Ben off and starts to chase Joey and Chandler) Come here. Come here.

Chandler: (picking up the pie) Stay back! I've got kiwi! Run, Joey! Run!

/ Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Smelly Cat to Stephanie. /

Stephanie: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

Phoebe: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's... ahem... Smelly cat, smel-ly cat.

Stephanie: (clears throat) Smelly cat, smel-ly cat...

Phoebe: Better. Yeah.

Stephanie: Yeah?

Phoebe: Yeah, much better.

Stephanie: Good.

Phoebe: And you know what? Don't- don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Phoebe: You want to try it again?

Stephanie: Yeah. From the top?

Phoebe: Okay, there is no top, all right? That's- that's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, ahem, why don't you just follow me?

Stephanie: Okay.

Phoebe: Mmm-hmm.

Both: (singing) Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault.

/ Stephanie does a little riff on her guitar. /

Phoebe: That's... too much. Sorry.